the more okay she seems, the guiltier I feel.

Currently in a state of mind that is painfully triggering my sanity.

So there's a girl.. She's so good to me; she smiles at me, she's friendly to me, she supports my shitty weight-losing agenda, and all of it is just in the right portion, not too much to disgust me but kicks me in the ass in a proper way.

She once liked my boyfriend so much, so much all the people cared and supported her. My boyfriend was such an irritating guy who didn't reply text messages, smiled occasionally, and talked so less few people forgot he could speak. He cared about almost nothing, went to school just to study, had only a small circle of friends, and he didn't care about girl friends at all. She was just madly infatuated, she fell hard, so hard it was heartbreaking to see her down (due to his irritating manner towards girls at that time, yeah). Then time passed by and things changed. I accidentally got closer to him and in the end we are together, just like now.

As the time passed by, she changed.

She used to be that emotional infatuated young girl who expressed much in social networks. But then she stopped. She never shows her true feeling again. People say she likes him no more, people think she's done with him, people think her feelings are now fixed and she's okay with that, because that's what she looks for now--happy and healed and completely okay, but my heart says it's not done yet for her.

Humans are the same. No matter how much differences we have, we are just so similar we can't deny it. I myself as a girl, who shares same gender with her, of course have even more similar feelings. Somehow I feel I know her, although we are never close friends and people can see we are just classmates who know names and interact occasionally. I often find myself daydreaming and suddenly all I think of is her. Her previous love towards him, her efforts, her bursting feelings, her aching heart, her pain, her tears, her smiles, everything she had when she once loved him that much... 

I just can't imagine the pain she once had to survive.

I can't tell how I know what she feels, but I know it. I just know, okay. And..

The more I hurt her, the stronger she becomes.

The more I think she hates me, the friendlier she becomes, and it feels real, I know she doesn't fake it.

The more okay she seems, the guiltier I feel.

Until now I still feel like a bitch who stole her crush.

P.S: I know the chance you're reading this is most likely zero, but hey, I'm sorry for everything. And keep that smiles, you look good with them. :-)